Men/Women
1. NAMES If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. the average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
10. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. women somehow deriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA married man easily forgets his mistakes. His reasoning: There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
**thanks Tammy
Showing posts with label Friday Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friday Funny. Show all posts
Friday, March 23, 2007
Friday, March 16, 2007
Friday Funny, TGIF Edition
Thanks to Shallow and Tacky, I found Cats That Look Like Hitler. This is a website dedicated to pet owners that love their little "kitlers"....
So... if you are looking for a good laugh, go visit both sites.
If you don't find it amusing... good grief... go find a sense of humor.
And now an oldie but but a goodie... Thanks, Tony.
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What in the world was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
Friday, February 23, 2007
Friday Funny
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the tub?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful" as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the tub?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful" as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Friday, February 16, 2007
Friday Funny
As a follow up to Valentine's Day....
HOW TO STAY MARRIED
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had
shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no
secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box
in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to
open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day
the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep
quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
Then there is this brief but valuable dictionary...
WORDS WOMEN USE
1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. WHATEVER: Is a woman's way of saying EFF YOU!
9. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.
- email from one of my customers...
HOW TO STAY MARRIED
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had
shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no
secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box
in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to
open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day
the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keepquiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
Then there is this brief but valuable dictionary...
WORDS WOMEN USE
1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. WHATEVER: Is a woman's way of saying EFF YOU!
9. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.
- email from one of my customers...
Friday, February 09, 2007
Friday Funny
Did you hear Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a county road one evening, when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't- the aged bovine was struck and killed.Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making telephone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in
disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a
rare Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary? Well,"the driver replied, the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."!"My god, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied. "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary
Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast
I couldn't stop it.
Thanks Sus! Good One!!
P.S. Is this you? Leave a comment or drop me an email....
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ISP Performance Systems International
Location Continent : North America
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City : Fort Worth
Lat/Long : 32.7551, -97.3332 (Map)
Distance : 834 miles
Friday, February 02, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
Friday Funny
This is dedicated to Ahmad and Chris and Howard- Guys that Michael works with.
This is an excerpt from concert film, Bill Cosby - Himself--- if you have never seen it... rent it... It is hysterical.
This is an excerpt from concert film, Bill Cosby - Himself--- if you have never seen it... rent it... It is hysterical.
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