Goodbye Mr. A, I'll Miss You

Sunny Hi 69 Lo 50 for Baghdad, Iraq
Scattered Flurries Hi 25 Lo 15 for Northern Kentucky, USA

Song of the Week: Daughters, John Mayer

OK... couple of things...

• With the help of Michael's friend, Ahmad, I have decorated SMC and Scootertrash Conservative for Christmas... Please note, the occasional snowflake you see... (its supposed to be a heavier snowfall than what it actually is...it looks great in preview!!) Anyway, hopefully more snow will fall next week... and hopefully it isn't taking forever for my blog to load...
• Will the person from Albany, Oregon, leave a note, say hi... say you hate my blog, say you like the polka dots, find my rambling amusing and confusing, something...anything. I completely appreciate you spending time here... after all, that is what a blog is for... however, you are freaking me out with your extended visits and not writing anything... come on.... say something... I don't bite.... swear! :-)
• I now have 9 folks that have signed my map! I'm nearly in the double digits!! WOOHOO! Just for that... it stays at the top!
• Monday begins Thank a Soldier Week. Please take time to show your appreciation. I saw a few guys in the mall and was able to shake some hands and thank them. Don't be shy... If I can do it (I am the most shy person on the planet- swear) you can do it... I promise you will make someone's day... Don't forget our vets too... a lot will wear ball caps showing that they are a vet... thank them... too...

I was going to wait until Father's Day to make the following post, but tonight, while Michael was at work, I went out to dinner with my family- My grandparents, mom, brother and Kamae, Caleb and Cory. Watching my brother with his daughter convinced me to write about this tonight despite the events below just occurring and are too fresh... the emotions too raw... but it dawned on me, that I needed to write about this now... In hindsight... I should have written this in a Christmas card... last year... but I didn't...

As long as I can remember, I have always been an observer of people- Not just "people watching", but attempts at sneaking glimpses into the souls of those around me... people I love, as well as perfect strangers. I've always paid particular attention to the relationships between fathers and daughters. Since June, when I started this blog, I've danced around the story of my own father (my brother refers to him as the sperm donor-- and that is most assuredly the only thing he contributed to Terry and me). The Reader's Digest version is Mom and SD met when he was a Marine stationed in Okinawa. He met and fell in love with my mom, brought her here, they had me and then Terry... He ______ (fill in whatever excuse you prefer) and then left us... I think I was 5 or 6 and Terry was 3... He disappeared and did not show up again until the day O.J. Simpson was aquitted.... At some point I'm sure I will write about him... It is inevitable... I use this forum to exorcise my demons... and that man has created a lot of demons and baggage for me... So... anyway... that explains my curiosity of relationships between fathers and daughters. In fact, I get twinges of jealousy and melancholy when I steal a glimpse of a father and daughter sharing a moment...

So, like anything else, I don't consciously think and dwell and obsess (ok, maybe a little obsessing) about these things... It's just something else about me that explains some of my "quirkiness".............. (I love that word... quirky...rhymes with perky... I'm neither of those things... make no mistake...) So, why am I writing about this? I'm making my way there... (ramble ramble I know)... This past Monday I got to work... happy to be there (riiiiiggghhhhttttt) and I open an email from an old friend, Jimi... It started like this:

"Cath,

Well, My dad passed away yesterday[...]"

Crap...

Jimi continued with:

"I wanted you to know how much I appreciate you sending my dad Christmas cards over the years. You have been a dear friend. In September, when I visited, he mentioned the cards and asked how you were. We talked about your car accident and I avoided telling him that I argued over politics with you before the election. Having seen the heated discussions I've had with my brothers over the years, Dad kept our conversations centered on spirituality and making the most of life while we are here..."

Jimi was my first true love... we dated in high school and for reasons probably still unclear to him, we broke up while we were in college... Jimi is another one of those talented artists that passed through my life and left a mark that will last my lifetime... I adored him and his family... I even went on vacation with them to Myrtle Beach... at least that is my memory of the past. That is how I have tucked away that part of my life...

So, I read this email from Jimi a few more times...The few times we had seen each other included 2 funerals--his older sister Mary and later at Rodney's. Upon reading Jim's email, I was unbelievably grief stricken--a complete and utter sadness rushed over me unexpectedly and I couldn't fathom why. I mean, Mr. A was a nice man, but good grief, I hadn't seen him for over 20 years! I had talked to him a few times throughout the years, but really, why was I so upset?? I remember Jim telling me some time ago that his father had been diagnosed with cancer. Why did I think it was not that serious? Good grief, Cath... Cancer! Why did I not ask any questions? How unlike me... I called Jimi and we talked, he and Myrna, his lovely wife, were headed back to Cincinnati for the funeral. They had just been home the week before and at the time he realized it was the last time he would see his father.

It took me all day to realize why I was so distressed and I tried to articulate this to Michael. I hate crying in front of Michael, because it hurts him to the core to see me upset. He held me and let me cry... Do you realize what an amazing husband I have?

Later after I pulled my act together, I tried to explain to Jimi and I will try to explain here as well... Throughout my lifetime, I have always adored men...I prefer the company of men (gross out habits and all) over women. I have never been good at small talk and being delicate and supportive of "women" things... I can not stand those stupid chain emails that start off "the difference between men and women... blah blah blah..." As I have gotten older... it has become more difficult for me to relate with most women... Conversations typically revolve around children... Michael and I don't have children...so, I am always odd man out on those conversations, However, at times these conversations can be amusing, because women tend to do this weird competition thing... but I'm rambling in the wrong direction...

My grandfather has always been here for me... He is my grandfather and he has always treated me like a princess, but our relationship has always been that of grandfather and granddaughter... I am the oldest of his grandchildren and the only girl... I am not his daughter (I thought I did a post about this, but can't find it... maybe I just thought I did...If I find it, I'll link it-in any event, my namesake, Aunt Cathy died of leukemia at the tender age of 5), but I can never replace her, nor would I want to, In any event, being the eldest grandchild and only granddaughter has had its privileges over the years... In my childhood, I created relationships (in my mind) with some of my uncles that was a father/daughter type of relationship... but, in reflection, those relationships were more polite than anything else... and maybe, just maybe a little pity on their part.

As a kid, when we first moved to Anderson, we lived in a neighborhood where there weren't any fathers.... tons of kids... tons of moms... all divorced... I never realized it..not until years later. My best friend back then was a girl named Julie, she lived here until the end of 6th grade, but her Dad was THE Dad to the entire neighborhood... He was the only man around and Julie's family was quite literally my first exposure to a "normal" family where there was a Mom and Dad and 2 brothers and 2 sisters and a German shepherd named Princess. Mr. B was great! He did Dad things... ahhhh... but he wasn't my Dad... Later, I was friends with a gal named Amy, and I adored her family too... Mr. and Mrs. T... They were childhood sweethearts... As I recall, they got married when Mrs. T was 14. They are still together... happily too. Mr. T was Grizzly Adams-- remember that show? Big Guy with diverse interests--boat building, muzzle loaders airplane pilot... Best memory... Amy invited me to dinner with her Mom and Dad... We got in Mr. T's Cessna and flew to a little restaurant in Louisville... How cool is that for a 14 year old? Mr. T would always joke with me... torment me just like he did with his own kids... Because of my heritage, he'd always ask me to walk on his back... Too funny!

So, fast forward to Jimi... His family treated me as part of their family. Mr. A always treated me like a daughter.... always... He was interested in what I had to say, in what I thought... I remember he would side with me against Jimi...all in good fun. He would make sure that his son was treating me with respect-always. He even gave me my first office job...I blew up his computer...

So, that's why I am sad... Besides my grandfather, Mr. A was one of an elite group of men in my life that I had placed in that father figure role... and now he is dead.... and I didn't get to say good bye... I didn't get to thank him for the gift he gave me... I had lost touch with someone that made me feel special... made me feel like someone's daughter.... What a wonderful thing!! And I will be forever grateful.

So, the point of my story (because there always has to be a point...) is that it is ok that my Dad wasn't around, Terry and I are pretty convinced we would have ended up being white trash had he stuck around. Yeah, I have times when I feel bad that I didn't have a Dad growing up, but I pity him more because he missed out on so much... including 4 amazing kids that could have called him grampa... besides there were and are plenty of people in my life that fill that void...

My point to Fathers... pay attention to your daughters...we women can be so complicated, we have run amuck, so help raise your little girl to be a beautiful responsible bright woman... Don't like high maintenance? Don't spoil her... teach her the value of the word "no", yet put her on a pedestal and teach her to accept nothing less... a fine balancing act...Teach her to respect men and not bash them... But above everything teach her to respect herself...

so
fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do...

-John Mayer

Maria, Terry and Kamae

Sam and Aimee

Have a great week everyone. Take time to wish folks a Merry Christmas... enjoy the season...