Wednesday, December 21, 2005

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Festivus

Mid week song: Go Away, Go Betty Go

The most important holiday of the year is this Friday. Yes... Festivus is upon us once again. As you know, Festivus has been around for a very long time. Here are some of my favorite traditions:

  • Festivus always begins with The Airing of Grievances.
  • At the Festivus Dinner, the entire family gathers at the table. The head of the household reviews the past year and all the disappointments he/she has with each person seated.
  • Christmas has the tree (not to mention that whole baby Jesus thing). Chanukah has the menorah. Festivus has the pole, which must be tall, skinny, aluminum and devoid of tinsel (too distracting) and have a very high strength-to-weight ratio."
  • Feats of Strength is the high point and the final part of any Festivus Celebration.

The Festivus Dinner is the most important part of our holiday celebration. The food must be perfect and since Michael was a chef in a previous life, we are the envy of many estranged relatives (which gives them suggestions for their personal grievances).
I'm so excited about this year's menu, I just have to share:

hors d'oeuvres:

Creamed Corn Tacos (the first taco consumed without corn oozing out and spilling is considered the first Festivus Miracle)

Limburger Cheese and crackers

Skyline Chili Dip (a Cincinnati favorite)


Arugula, curly endive, nasturtium salad with vinegar (symbolizes the bitter spirit possessed by all)


Ham with a Mountain Dew and black strap molasses glaze ('nuff said)

Mashed potatoes (a reminder of all our mashed hopes and dreams)

Asparagus spears (representative of the Festivus Pole- no tinsel)

Braised Bulb Fennel (can't wait to watch our guests squirm when they try to eat this crap)


Fruitcake (but you haven't tried myyyyyy fruitcake....)

I have 2 grievances to share... (I'm saving the best ones for Friday)...

  1. Albany, Oregon guy... You are still creeping me out... make your presence known man... We know your creeping around other places too... we've seen ya over at Michael's, Master Jedi Rob's, and Wonder Woman's.
  2. The left lane is for passing.... GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  3. OK... 3 grievances.... LEAVE A COMMENT!!!!!!!!!

How do you celebrate Festivus? Have you experienced a Festivus Miracle? I want to know!

HAPPY FESTIVUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks to:, Wikipedia,


Jedi Master Rob said...

Ahhhh, Festivus! I remember so fondly mom and dad in a death grip, flailing about in the floor, taking part in "the feats of strength". Later we would sit down to enjoy the Festivus meal (meatloaf at my house) just like the Festivus celebrations of yore! That takes me back!

Before I get misty, here are my 3 Grievances:

1) Hot Dog to Bun Ratio! O-kay, some companies are starting to sell equal number of buns to dogs but many are still not! Come on guys! Standardize Already!!! Either 8 Hot Dogs and 8 Buns or 10 Hot Dogs and 10 Buns. I don't care which but DAMN IT, can't we just agree on a common number!?

2) Paris Hilton. You gotta DO SOMETHING! You just cannot continue to be famous for no reason whatsoever. Write a book. Heck, READ a book.

3) Liberals, Bush-Bashers, Friends of Michael Moore and Cindy Sheehan, etc: You lost the election - get over it. It's not just this president and his administration that you hate but everything that America is and should be. The sooner you admit it, the sooner you can begin phase II: starting your new country elsewhere. Maybe you and Quebec could work something out?

The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Post something!