Sunday, September 23, 2007

O.J. is a Forewarning...

Sunny - Hi 106 Lo 77 for Baghdad, Iraq
Isolated Thunderstorms - Hi 92 Lo 59 for Qandahar, Afghanistan
Sunny - Hi 90 Lo 66 for Northern KY, USA

Song of the week: Joy to the World,
Three Dog Night

Three Dog Night will always have a special place in my heart. This song particularly is one of just a couple of fond memories I have of my father. He loved this song. I remember he used to sing it loudly and badly...


Back in the fall of 1995, the day the jury found O.J. Simpson not guilty... I received a call from my grandfather. "Cass, are you sitting down? Guess who is sitting with me? Your Daddy." Twenty four years. Twenty four years. That's how long it takes a father to show up. I'd like to say it was because his overwhelming guilt got the best of him and he after so many years was trying to make amends... but that was not the case.... He was looking for a handout. Checking to see if my grandparents were still among the living. He even had the audacity to ask about my mother. I made it clear to him... under no uncertain terms was he to go anywhere near her.

This past Friday evening my grandfather called me.... "Cass, guess who just called?" It was such a deja vu. I knew before he even said anything- it only makes sense, the murderer, O.J. Simpson is back in the news... my father resurfaces... perfectly logical to me... My grandfather told me about his conversation and I completely chastised him for speaking to him for such a long time. My grandfather has such a tender heart and I can only imagine the guilt he must carry. He feels responsible for the kind of man my father became. My grandfather is an incredible man. He is kind and responsible and loving. I guess according to my grandfather- the sperm donor had called my Uncle Steve and also my brother. He asked my grandfather for my phone number but thankfully did not provide it. According to my Uncle, he was drunk... debating on whether to go to Hawaii or Alaska... Back in 1995 he was working on fishing boats... I guess he had been doing that the entire time he had been gone and it is no different now.

I'm 42 years old. The emotions when allowed to surface are just as raw today as they were when I was 12 years old. The hurt cuts deeper than I would ever like to admit and I surely do my best to keep it to myself.

He did some shitty things...some unforgettable things. Have a forgiven him? On a good day. Yes. Right now? Not so much. He beat my mother, he threw my brother across the room, he would blow entire paychecks on gambling, he would steal money from my brother and me, he stole money from my mom, she would beg him for money to feed Terry and me and he would give her $5.00, he would disappear for weeks on end, he would use me as a decoy to go visit his multiple girlfriends leaving me in a strange house in a living room in front of a television, after he left, he made no attempt to contact us except once, possibly twice, he never sent my mother money. He was a selfish childish little man.

I'm angry at some of the men in my extended family- it turns out that my father had stayed in contact, all be it sporadic. No one told us. I don't have the courage to ask any of them if they ever asked my father to be a man and take responsibility for his family... send some money once in a while...

We were better off without him in our lives... my constant need of approval from father figures is fall out to this day... My behavior as a teenager also a direct result of looking for approval, acceptance and love from the opposite gender...

I'm still pissed. Angry and hurt and I don't know if this anger will ever go away. So, OJ Simpson pisses me off... Every time that son of a bitch shows up in the news.... my father, the sperm donor resurfaces... both of you... just go away.....................

Read more here:

2006 reflections of my father

2005 reflections of my mother

Have a great week everyone!

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